Meet My Busy Mind.: August 2013

The (very) fat line between 'bluntness' and 'brashness'.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I have come across an interesting set of people, who lay claim to being blunt (truth be told, I have at times in the past been one of such persons). The hall-mark of this self-acclaimed label is that the individual is able to fling the ‘truth’ about other persons or situations without fear or favour, or consideration of the effects. The merits regarding the exact nature of what constitutes ‘truth’ is not questioned, rather, the fact that it is just said is celebrated.

Lately however, it appears to me that the bluntness bug has bitten in too deep, and is being carried too far. What some folks now term as ‘bluntness’ is nothing other than sheer impudence. At its best, it is unnecessary incivility.

For example, I recently went out with some acquaintances for an evening out. In the course of table chit-chat, one of the guys in the group told a lady beside him quite loudly, “You’re just plain fat”. To be fair on him, I’m not exactly sure of the context of the discussion, as the both of them had been talking in relatively low tones before his outburst. But with his statement came an immediate and awkward hush at the table, and the recipient of the remark seemed like she wanted to melt inside.

Everyone’s faces at the table expressed varying levels of disbelief. As if in defense of unspoken criticism, he gushed on about how he is a naturally blunt person, and tends to just ‘state the truth as it is’ (why could he not just shut up??).

At that point, we all seemed to have recovered from the five stages of disbelief-shock-anger-wanting to punch him-wanting to punch him some more-and reacting. Another lady at the table graciously pasted the most amazing smile I have ever seen, turned to him and asked him sweetly, ‘What if I pointed out to you that you are just plain ugly?’

He opened his eyes in plain bewilderment, as though he was either shocked at the merit of her statement, or the fact that she had the effrontery to point it out, or a combination of both. In order to clear his seeming doubt, she further asked him ‘Or do you think you are not?’ Before he could answer that, she casually concluded with ‘Oh well, I know ugliness lies in the eyes of the beholder. To me though, you are just plain ugly. That’s my blunt truth’.

I couldn’t help the laughter that erupted from within me, and everyone else at the table followed suit. While this eased to tension at the table, suffice to say after that subsequent chit-chat was not as casual as before, and the evening itself had somewhat been ruined.

But this encounter got me musing: when did ‘being blunt’ become a license to being uncouth and stupid? My understanding of bluntness is being able to point out certain facts when the need arises, without sacrificing the part of our brain in which wisdom is harboured. In ‘being blunt’, wisdom can still be applied, as neither is exclusive of the other.

If one needed advice on their weight, instead of simply using derogatory adjectives such as ‘fat’, why not let the person know that they would benefit from eating healthier and losing some weight? The message is maturely passed, but without unnecessarily hurting the recipient of the message. I do not buy into that fallacy of sticks and stones being the only things that can break bones…blah…blah. Words hurt, no matter how fleeting, and the damage done cannot be cloaked with the self-righteous screen of ‘truth’ or ‘bluntness’.

I think it is better to keep judgmental ‘bluntness’ to one’s self where her/his opinion is not sought, bearing in mind that certain concepts such as ‘fat’ ‘ugly’ ‘beautiful’ etc. are not entirely objective, and are most times subjective. So what to you is the blunt truth, to someone else may be pure mischief. Even where the opinion is sought, it is an act of maturity and wisdom to share such bluntness in a way that makes the recipient less defensive and more willing to actually accept the message. You gain respect on two grounds: being truthful and being constructive.

Let’s all try a little bit more sensitivity, and practice combining being blunt with being wise. Paz.

Meg

P.s.If you like the 'quippings' of my busy mind, just click the G+1 button under my bio, or after this post. And you'll get a sneak peak any time I ruminate here.

Disclaimer: The picture used does not belong to me, but is taken from Google.

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Reviews

Lessons from The Butler.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I received an offer during the week to go see a movie at the cinemas, and for lack of any better movie showing at the time, I decided to see Lee Daniels' "The Butler".

My disinclination to the movie was due to my recently becoming bored of the genre of 'blaxploitation' movies, which never seem to tire of re-enacting the cliché of slavery, apartheid and other horrors inflicted in the past on coloured people.

Don't get me wrong, I feel deep sadness just imagining the harrowing experiences of uncles and cousins, being kidnapped from home and transported across the great Atlantic to what is now the United States of America. I may not fully understand what the immediate victims or their immediate families must have experienced; I literally 'live' the trauma whenever reading or watching or (hearing stories from my dad) regarding all these. However, it seems to me that Hollywood has found a way to harness the pain for commercial success, in stereotypically re-hashing the gory memories, while twisting the knife in the wounds of years gone by.

So, it was with this mind-set that I went to see 'the Butler'. And within the first 10 minutes of the movie, I already felt justified in my prejudice against the movie.

The movie (unsurprisingly) opened to the (expected) sexual abuse of a coloured field servant, while her son witnessed both the abuse, and the accompanying murder of her husband/his father. The fact that the 'abused' was in reality Mariah Carey did not ease my disgust, as the feeling of dejavu washed through me, and I remembered similar scenes in 'Roots', 'Crash' and most recently, 'Django' (ugghh!). I began contemplating how to get out of the cinema hall, while causing the least distraction.

As I sat there trying to figure out my next line of action however, the movie grew on me. Rather than adopting the usual tactic of pseudo-fictional characters, with sadistic horrors inflicted on them, the movie assumed the nature of a narrative; infusing certain facts and historical narratives into the storyline, which made the plot more plausible. The movie did not just stop at highlighting man's infliction of wickedness on fellow man, but gave a slight background on the cause of this, and carried the audience from the era of racial segregation, through the civil liberties movement, and to the eventual status of racial equality; at least, on paper. The movie tells the same story, but from so many sides, thereby giving the audience to ability to be less sentimental and be more objective, while slowly buying the ideas being sold. In less than three hours, it seemed to me like I had just witnessed the whole struggle for equality, spanning about seven decades.

But a significant feature of the movie its ability to also show the 'not-so-clean' side of the struggle for equality, and the degeneration of this 'struggle' (in some instances) into violence. I honestly applaud the movie for discussing (albeit briefly) this side, which most other similar movies fail to depict, and would usually leave the audience with incomplete accounts of the struggle. (It is only with extensive reading and research that one is able to fully grasp the 'incompleteness' of the movie accounts).

The Butler is a breath of fresh air, compared to most other movie accounts of the struggle for race equality in the United States. The movie succeeds in beautifully carrying the audience through several phases of the struggle, to the eventual ascension of the American throne by an African-American, and not through violent power, but with the greatest power ever: Knowledge. The movie is able to communicate the message that violence does not necessarily lead to success. Rather, knowledge is the key to victory. Case in point, if President Obama had never acquired education, he would have never been considered for the position of the President, little less ascending to it.

Similarly, the movie sweetly depicts the perseverance of the victims of blatant racial discrimination, and won my respect for not making trivial or merely melodramatic the seriousness of the perilous times in which the victims lived in. The tone of the movie is serious, but compelling and indeed touching.

The presence of its all-star cast did not in any way demean its message (in the usual 'Hollywood-style' of all-star movies) and no 'star' is seen trying to 'outshine' the other. The stars justified their constellation in the movie, and each did justice to her/his role, without being kept in the movie longer than necessary. Each bowed at the appropriate time, some staying till the end. Forrest Whitaker (as usual) was breathtakingly amazing (big ups to sister Oprah too). It was good 'ole acting, through and through. And the beautiful background musical score was apt in accompanying the amazing performances of the cast.

Above all, the movie is absolutely clean, and I would totally take my teenage daughter to watch it with me, and learn from it. Share your reviews on the movie as well, if you've watched it.

Paz.

Meg.

Disclaimer: The pictures used do not belong to me, but are taken from Google.

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Human Rights

The Curse of Double Standards (Part 2)

Sunday, August 18, 2013

In the first part of this post, I shared my musings on the controversial (but non-existent) "Child Marriage" law, and the double standards being applied in the society with regards to the said law. The focus of the first part was on the silence on the rights of children and non-discussion on their protection, whereas much ruckus has been raised over a the non-existence of a child marriage law. (For a more comprehensive recap, please read the first part of this post.)

The second incidence of double standards which the hyberbolic activity on the 'offending' law brings to my mind is the perception of and expectation from males and females in the Nigerian society.While female equality to their male counter-parts has been contemplated in recent times in, I honestly think that this is mere lip-service. To all intents and purposes, the role of the Nigerian woman (and I dare to say, African woman) is still in the dark ages. Here, the girl is suddenly transformed into a woman by marriage, as against the male counterpart who grown into adulthood, and only attains such upon achievement of certain milestones.

The law unfortunately, but realistically, still embodies the present-day values system in the country which presumes that the Nigerian woman has no long-term career goal. Rather, she is defined by marriage. Her 'achievements' are summed up in her ability to have the prefix 'Mrs.' added to her name, rather than who she really is. It matters not if she is a Professor in the planet Venus, or discovered the cure to cancer and labour pain. If she's unmarried, the respect she is given is little more than the respect given to a fifteen year old. And even that is taken away if perchance, the fifteen year old attains 'adulthood' by virtue of marriage, while she in her forties, with all her accomplishments remains unmarried.

Now, everyone has been seen to read the riots' act to the National Assembly for the existence of the law. But in truth, almost everyone's psyche somehow doesn't place the Nigerian woman on the same footing with her male counterpart if not married. And therein lies the double standards: why should it be only a woman who attains adulthood upon marriage? Why should the same standard for measuring 'maturity' not be applied to men as well? In any case, who says marriage in itself is what imbues one with maturity, and suddenly transforms a child into an adult? Should the reverse not be the case? The problem is not the law. Rather, the problem is with the values system. The law simply represents what the people are thinking but not saying. To this extent (and this extent alone), I applaud Senator Yerima for his candidness in voicing his side with the law that upon marriage, a child becomes a woman. For that is what the society we live in promotes, and he is simply stating the fact.

The final instance of double standards which this issue brings to my mind is a rather touchy issue in Nigeria. In 2013, the National Assembly passed a law prohibiting amorous relationships between people of the same sex. (What would consist of ‘amorous’ is undefined ut that is discussion for another day). However, there is no similiar law creating sanctions for persons who engage in amorous relationships with minors i.e. persons less than 18 years.

In my musings, I wondered; can minors be validly argued to have 'consented' to any such relationship with an adult? I doubt this, because they are not developed enough to understand the ramifications of such relationships and/or the concept of choice, albeit exercise such. In the case of marriage, this 'choice' is exercised on their behalf by parents. And once parental consent is obtained, the marriage is backed with the full force of law. In the absence of such consent, the marriage is at worst voidable, but not illegal. Therefore, consent of the minor in any case is inconsequential.

So I ask; why should two consenting adults who choose to exercise their freedom of association in associating with people of the same sex alone be made criminals, wherein adults who engage in sexual acts with minors incapable of validly giving consent are not similarly prescribed with criminal sanctions? I am neither advocating for gay rights, nor condemning gays. I just find it disturbing that liaison between consenting adults of the same sex result in criminal sanctions, whereas a similar relationship between an adult and a non-consenting minor be allowed to thrive without equal sanctions.

Alas, I foresee compelling arguments justifying this double-standard. Similar to the issue of child labour, recourse will be made to religion and/or culture as necessitating this abnormality. And therein lies my perspective regarding the role of double standards in ensuring the survival of the controversial law. Everyone seems to be crying 'Wolf' on a law with little or no consequence, without discussing more significant underlying issues. Double standards are conveniently applied to suit the convenience of a larger or more dominant part of the society, and lip-service is paid to human rights, while 'activism' is in truth utilised for self-serving purposes. In instances where there is need for action, it appear there is an actual unspoken code of silence on real issues.

My view is that until these underlying issues are dealt with, and double standards gradually eroded from our values system, all dust raised from time to time regarding what the leaders are doing will end up as what it is right now: mere talk. In the meantime, the talk provides fodder for my mind to chew on, and I have shared my own perspective. Don't hesitate to share yours. Paz.

Meg.

Disclaimer: The pictures used do not belong to me, but are taken from Google.

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Life

The healing power of Lady Time.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

(This was a post I created on my facebook page before I started this blog, at a time when I felt at my wits end, and got the ‘epiphany’ on what I would require for healing. I now share it on this blog, in the hope it would help someone...somewhere…somehow…)

Everything, it is said, has its season. The saying applies to both good and bad: good things have their season. Bad things also have their season.

When good things happen, as humans (and even if we were super-humans), we would want to prolong them for as long as possible, and milk every good memory we can of them. The reverse is the case when bad things happen: that loss of someone so dear, words cannot express the hollowness we feel; the disappointment from betrayal that squirms like a deep-seated knife in the heart whenever remembered; the disillusionment from crushed dreams and the seeming impending gloom of failure.

Alas, as all these negative waves and emotions cascade, we are sometimes too overwhelmed with their gravity that rather than deal with them, we just want them to disappear with the wave of a magic wand, and have every lasting memory extinguished. Unfortunately, just like the good things, the bad things had its season, and did happen. They cannot be conjured away, and must be dealt with.

Our greatest inquiry at this point is not whether we as humans can overcome the effects of the bad things, and resist allowing the effects to be long-lasting. While we may acknowledge that indeed, we will get over the bad things, our innate query lies in one word: WHEN?

And that is where Lady Time comes in.

She is one thing that eventually heals the hurting, rejuvenates the wounded, brings back to life the near-dead. Her powers are not acute and/or magical; she does not immediately conjure feel-good emotions, which dispel the feel-bad emotions. Rather, her powers are gradual, and kick-in to make things better with the passage of every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, quarter, year, century....

Lady Time thus takes her time in ensuring that someday, the tears are forgotten, the broken heart - while it may never be as pretty and 'unsmeared' as it once was - is completely healed. The heartache is gone. The self-esteem is returned.

She gently, but gradually, wraps each hurting being/situation and uses her powers to make the bad not so bad, until it becomes good. Gently, she soothes. Gently, she wipes. Gently, she caresses and soothes away all the drama, or non-drama. Till the bad memory is but a memory, or no memory at all. She seeps through the pores of the wounds and continuously clots them, till the blood has ceased flowing, and danger is forgotten.

Her name is Time, not 'Magic', nor 'Sudden'. Her job is a process; it must happen. It may take a while. But if allowed to do her job, Lady Time is a perfectionist.

Truly, Lady Time is a timeless gift given to mankind to ensure the taps of tears eventually cease flowing, and the beauty in living is once more appreciated. There is no doubt that if given the opportunity, Lady Time delivers on her job specifications.

The problem however may be insufficient willpower to allow her execute her duties. We believe that snap! The hurt must end. The pain should stop. The feel-bad emotions should just go away. And the sunshine, flowers, laughter and ice-cream should be oozing once more.

But she doesn't work that way; Lady Time IS a Lady, and is neither hurried nor harried. She expects to be treated as such, and thus is not rushed into finishing what she starts.

Our greatest task on the road to recovery from bad things happening is allowing the process of time to pass, and the understanding that healing is a process. We must let patience also play its part in the healing process, for only then can Lady Time be assured that she would be given the required resources to fulfill her mission.

One thing that would enable this is to look beyond the helplessness, hopelessness and despair of the circumstances, and envision a future where all is well once more. In doing this, Lady Time begins work on the present, in order to attain that future.

Never give up hope that the sun, flowers, laughter and ice-cream would one day return. However, understand that it is a process which can only happen with time. Do not despair and think that perhaps, the present catatonic state of unhappiness will forever be your companion. Rather, remember that time will ensure that goodness and mercy continues to accompany you on the journey of life.

Do not worry too much about the distant future, as worrying will aggravate the present circumstances. Allow Lady Time do her work; and you do yours. Wake each day after the next, planting one foot after the other. Taking each day as it comes, and believing in the best for the next. Steadily, gradually, gently, the soothing and healing will creep in. The hurt begins to dissipate, the anger, the pain, the confusion...it all evaporates. Life begins to seem better day after day.

Some days, it may seem everything has been sorted out and the sunshine is back. Other days, the cloud of despondency hovers palpably and appears to have returned to engulf you in its claws. Do not fear. Do not worry. Keep believing that the bad things will go away; keep living one day after the next; keep living and performing your daily tasks, while Lady Time goes about her own daily task of soothing and healing.

One day, you will wake up, and realise, that everything seems alright. You may attempt to remember why you ever hurt, how you felt then, and when you stopped caring for the hurt. It is in that peaceful moment that you understand: Lady Time's work has been completed.

Disclaimer: The pictures used do not belong to me, but are taken from Google.

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Child Rights

The Curse of Double Standards (Part 1)

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

I pride myself on keeping abreast with the happenings at home, despite being in 'diaspora'. I get my daily (and sometimes hourly) dose of gist mainly through the internet, and via my sisters á blogging i.e. linda ikeji, bellanaija, naija vibe, e.t.c. The amebo helps in keeping my busy mind busy, and ensuring I'm still on board with the trends at home.

So about three weeks ago, I woke up one morning and discovered that the Nigerian media hemisphere was agog with news of a proposed 'Child Marriage Bill' being contemplated in the Nigerian National Assembly. According to the 'media' sources, the intent of the bill was to legalise the marriage of female minors i.e. people below the age of 18 years.

Overnight, every Nigerian seemed to have turned into some sort of legal analyst cum human rights activist. Heated arguments were dispersed on both sides of the said bill, but the general pulse was one of horror at the seeming slavery with which the Nigerian female race was in danger of.

Truth be told, I initially joined the bandwagon of rightly angered citizens who verbally ripped the National Assembly apart. The name/thought of certain 'honourable' members always left a bad taste in my mouth, and I wished I could assume a female Robin Hood, ride home in my magic horse and slay all the despots, while setting the female captives free. However, my inner sleuth swung into action, and decided to do a little research, before adopting my superpowers. My research paid off, and I discovered that the public had to a large extent been misled by the media.

It turned out that there was never a Child Marriage Bill before the National Assembly. Rather, it was an existing law - S. 29 of the 1999 Constitution - that had spun the controversy. The law had been contemplated for amendment, but the amendment was resisted by some of the lawmaker. In summary, the law provides that for one to be able to renounce citizenship, such person must be an adult i.e. have attained 18 years. However, an exception to this is with regards females, so that where they are married, they are deemed 'adult' enough to renounce citizenship. This law pertains to only citizenship and not marriage in general. Age requirements for marriage in Nigeria is otherwise governed by the Marriage Act and Matrimonial Causes Act, which allow a minor (even a nine year old child) to get married, in so far as parental consent is primarily obtained.

Upon clarifying this bit of miscommunication by the media (because the media is guilty of having perpetuated this confusion), my immediate reaction was one of instant relief. That contrary to popular opinion, my country's laws are not being made by a bunch of senile pedophiles. Well ... to the best of the public knowledge. (Although contention may exist in this regard, as one of the lawmakers is said to have recently found a missing part of one of his numerous ribs in a girl 13year old child. But that is discussion for another day). My perspective on this whole issue is quite outside the box. I apply the larger picture to the issues raised, and choose to discuss them more holistically.

My grouse is the double standards which the law, the reaction to the law and our general values system embodies. Everything surrounding the nature of this law screams to me "DOUBLE STANDARDS!!!" Before you begin your applause on my activism, hold still and listen to (or read) what I have to say, and then weigh in on my musings.

Everyone is seen to be clamouring for 'protection' of the girl child from marriage, and there is even in circulation a very passionate 'plea' by a well-known female actor, asking for young female children to be rescued from the insatiable appetite of members of the parliament. If I may ask though, who is clamouring for protection of the girl (or boy) child from slavery in the name of child labour? Who is talking about the Child Rights Act, to ensure children should be in schools during the day and doing homework at night, rather than washing oga's shirts and pounding madam's fufu. Or hawking on the streets. Or cleaning shoes. Or performing labour meant for adults. Truth is, no one is.

I would not be surprised to discover that majority of the members of public clamouring for freedom of the girl child from early marriage are guilty of child slavery, in one guise or the other. Some lawyer somewhere, pecking away furiously at her/his computer preparing a petition against the marriage of children, will probably close shop at the end of the day, and beat the living daylight of her servant (or 'cousin') for failing to complete house chores.

Child slavery is common place in Nigeria. It is often disguised as benevolence on the part of kind mistresses/masters for taking in the suffering child under their wings, somewhat akin to the benevolence displayed by sly Fagin to Oliver Twist. It is conveniently overlooked, because 'everyone needs a house-help'. Any arguments to the contrary would elicit the most intellectual responses regarding the communal nature of our culture, and how the house-help syndrome is a necessary evil for the survival of the society.

The Nigerian community basically thrives on child labour. After all, who will wash the cars, sweep the floors, clean the pots, make the beds, sell groceries in the convenience stores etc., if not the 'cousin' from the village? Hence, the implicit message from the (sans) discussion of child rights is that it is alright for children to be made slaves. It is just not alright for them to be married slaves. This last point thus explains the resistance to the thought of child marriage.

But the curse of double standards which I glean from the brouhaha over the Child Marriage issue is not fully exhausted. Keep your eyes/ears to the ground for the remaining part of this discussion, which will be completed in the second part of this post. In the meantime, share your thoughts me...

Meg

Disclaimer: The pictures used do not belong to me, but are taken from Google.

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Life

Clogging the Wheels of Age...

Friday, August 02, 2013

Do you remember when we were much younger, and everyone wanted to grow old fast? For the ladies, tons of stolen mummy's or aunty's make-up, wigs and mini-skirts helped in achieving this aim. We learned the cat-walk, the fish-pout, and the peacock-theatrics.

The guys adopted their own scheme for looking older as well. This became particularly necessary after Uncle Cupid has played a fast one on them by making their hearts begin to race faster for the girls in the same class. Unfortunately, the object of this juvenile affection would often surmise the affections for what they are: juvenile. So the brothers would employ tactics to seem more mature: carving their beards in a certain style; talking in Barry White tones; learning to wear a brooding look to appear 'deep' and wiser, even when they can barely tell the difference between an apple and an orange.

Ironically, the reverse becomes the case as time catches up with everyone.

Panic begins to set in with every birthday, particularly when you have not attained society's standard of accomplishments. Woe betide you if, unlike your contemporaries, you are not yet flashing an (ugly) engagement ring - and an even uglier wedding band - on your finger, with or without the continued company of a spouse (after the niceties of a wedding). It seems like some mischievous person circulated an informal memo on a secret chorus everywhere you turn: "When are you getting married?", "When are you building a house?", "When are you getting a car?" etc.

Suddenly the guys begin to think that hanging with the toddlers may by some stroke of magic, tranform them into toddlers as well. On the other side of the sapien specie, every 'young' lady you meet suddenly never seems older than twenty-five years old, even when it is obvious she's being harassed with 'hot-flushes' and other tell-tale signs of time winning the race. All these in the bid to buy more time, and slow-down the aging process.

Well, I was fortunate to meet a forty-five year old woman who never hesitated to tell anyone who cared listening that she was forty-five years old. But the shocker is that she could actually pass for thirty! She was kind enough to share some insights gained over the years. It is these insights that I have combined with my insights over my own 'twenty-five' (wink!) years of existence and have detailed as tips which I think would enable one stay younger, while slowing the ageing process.

1. Exercise! Exercise!! Exercise!!! Often, I come across those gifted with the slender bodies, irrespective of what they eat (and I really beef lekpas o!). Most of them point out, as politely as possible, that they do not need the exercise. But the truth is that in addition to burning calories and weight loss, constant exercise also helps in increasing blood flow and keeping the skin nourished. Research and experience have shown that people who exercise dedicatedly end up looking much younger than their contemporaries. There is this glow which they continue to possess that slows the ageing process for them, and (like me) they stay 'twenty-five' for a long, long time.

2. Dress smart: Your look goes a long way in defining your age to people. Remember when you were much younger and used to wear tons of heavy make-up to look older? Well, it achieved its purpose then. Now is the time to reverse the magic. Toning down the make-up takes years off. Please, do not take this as an excuse to turn into 'Sista Martha' (except you honestly get the calling to do so). If you are 30 years old, you have no business dressing as though you are 55, and wondering why it is only senile widows who approach you. At the same time, you have no business to keep 'saggin' your jeans like an 18 year old juvenile offender. If at 40 years, you never wore those micro-mini skirts, then it's time to cross it off your bucket-list, because it just should not happen anymore. You have to dress age appropriate, yet smartly. For ladies, heels go a long way in helping out. Buy or make fitting clothes, but not so tight that they end up making you look like a beef sausage under your dress, especially if you're part of our 'Plus-size' ministry. For the guys, it is time to ditch the punk haircut. But don't go skin yet...unless you have early-onset receding hair foreline, in which case you can easily switch to the Taye Diggs look. Find something stylish, but classy. That way, no one is concerned with how old you are, because they are too busy being blown away by your sheer presence.

3. What's your attitude?: Attitude goes a long way in ageing one, or giving an impression of how old one is. Are you cheerful, or generally dour? Do you view the glass as half-empty, or do you view the glass as half-full. Personally, I just want to drink the water in the glass (period!). On a serious note, don't you feel more easily drawn to more cheerful people than depressing looking people?? Yes. Does it bother you if they are 22 years old or 52 years old? No. This is because they just have that aura of youthfulness around them brought on by their attitude, which youthfulness we all subconsciously seek to tap into. Attitude also determines how you really feel inside. After all is said and done, age is really a thing of the heart. You can eternally maintain childlikeness in heart, without this being interpreted as childishness. It simply means that you will always be the spirited and positive person you were at 18 years, when the world seemed at your feet. This is despite your becoming 60, now equipped with the harsh reality that the world is divided into continents, and not at your feet. But that eternal youthful hopefulness is what maintains the spring in your step. This does not mean you should not be realistic and not face problems when they come. That's the idea: face them when they come, not conjuring them before they appear, or holding on to them even after they are long gone.

4. Watch who you share feathers with: If you surround yourself with constantly depressed people, it does not matter if you have enough sunshine to light up the nine planets. Well...except you're a psychiatrist and cannot help it. But in any other case, if your friends and/or family members consist of mainly negative people, it sucks the very life out of you and ages you faster. As a kid, you often want to hold on to your 'best-friend' in class for as long as possible. But with time, you realise that there really is no one true 'best-friend' (except perhaps, your life partner). It is important that you keep re-assessing the people in your life, and whether they fill you with positivity or negativity. If the latter is the case, then you need to diplomatically seek ways to gently disengage from such relationships.

5. Carpe Diem!: I have learnt that one of the things which makes people feel, act and be old is looking at the younger versions of themselves, and seeing these versions do stuff which they never did. The regret sets in, and you start longing for that time. Rather than regretting the losses of the past, seize the moment in which you live, and appreciate the gift of the present. You will be 30 years old only once, and while at 30 you may be longing for the days you were 20 years old, remember that (by God's grace) you will one day become 50 years old. Then, you will long for the days in which you were 30 years old. So seize the moment, and embrace your present age. Revel in the present, and move on to the future.

6. Set your own standards and milestones: The pressure of 'ageing' is usually brought on by society and peers. We measure accomplishments by what others have. Especially in a society like Nigeria where 'success' is defined by financial wealth and outward pretences. For example, a woman's 'success' might be measured by how many times she went for omugo in her lifetime, rather than how kind she was to the members of her extended family. My father always said to me as a child "Do not strive to keep up with the Joneses, or you will run into trouble". While I never got to meet Mr. and/or Mrs. Jones (and their probably amiable kids), I learnt the underlying lesson. Seek to achieve milestones because you want to, and because you derive joy from it. Do not feel compelled to fit into the box society has defined as success. Otherwise, the feeling of failure and 'lagging-behind' starts setting in, and this is the real culprit in the ageing process. Now it doesn't mean you should not make hay while the sun shines. The sun can only shine for so long, so please, do make all the hay you can. But at a pace which is most comfortable to you, and leaves you with a sense of self-accomplishment, rather than the feeling of being in a sprint competition in which Usain Bolt is among your contenders.

With these few words of mine, I hope I have succeeded in equipping y'all with tips to enable ageing in a younger fashion. If you have other words of wisdom, or wish to shed further light on some of the things discussed here, please feel welcome to share your thoughts in the comments section. Paz.

Meg.

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