A long, long time ago, when I was serving my fatherland, an acquittance approached me, and asked for a little loan. Really minuscule. So tiny, I can't even disclose the amount.
She gave timelines for payback within
the week. She never paid back. I forgot.
Months later, we ran into each other
and I asked for the money I had lent her. She replied laughingly: “That one na loan..abi na dash??” She
laughed it off, and went away.
I was too embarrassed and a tad bit shocked
to ask for us to go back memory lane. I left it.
Like I said, that was a long, long
time ago.
This day, this age… if she (or anyone)
approached me for a loan, she would not get off not paying back that easy. She
would not get off at all.
Why?
Because I have now learnt that the
concept of borrowing is an integrity issue. I will not be a party to helping
her, or anyone diminish their integrity.
(Open your ear)
I have learnt that integrity is at the
core of who we as humans are; the core of our relationships. It is due to a
lack of integrity that nations collapse, and that societies crumble. That the
persons entrusted with a common wealth plunder it for their own gain, to the
detriment of the populace as a whole.
This decadence starts little by
little, such as ‘borrowing’ from a person, and manipulating them into thinking
you gave them for free. Making them feel bad for something you gave your word
to return.
How?
Let me explain how it works.
Everyone - consciously or
subconsciously - has an ‘integrity metre’ by which they measure everyone else
in the society. Even nations have integrity metres for Nations.
It is by this metre a person who is
who approached by anther person seeking her/his help is adjudged and measured.
Thus, if person A approaches person B, and asks person B to shift her/his
position, to inconvenience herself/himself temporarily for the benefit of
Person A, consciously or subconsciously, person B would run Person A up by the
intergrity metre.
“How do I know s/he is saying the truth?”
“How am I sure s/he can pay back as at when due?”
“Am I sure they can even pay back?”
The decision making may take as long
as a week, to as short as a split-second. But in that split-second, Person B
has ran Person A past her/his intergrity metre, and decided whether or not the oblige
the request.
In giving the loan, person A is saying
that “I have sized you vis-à-vis my intergrity metre for you, and you rank ok.
I can give you this loan, knowing you will keep your word, and pay back as at
when due”.
So when payment is not made as at when
due, or the Creditor is not duly approached and notified ahead of time of
prevailing circumstances rendering the payment impossible as at when due, what
the Borrower has done is that the Creditor begins to doubt the veracity of the
metre for that Borrower, and in some cases, for even future borrowers.
(Am I making sense? I hope so)
Another story:
I had this other friend, whom I also
look up to as a sister. She had some money problems and needed to pay for a
place. She asked me to give her a particular sum, stating that she did not know
if or when/whether she would be able to pay, because her condition was quite
bad.
That there is the definition of Intergrity.
I gave her the money, and my respect for her has gone to a different level.
Why?
Because rather than be ‘smart’ as a
large number of our populace would be and collect the loan under the false
pretence of having the means to pay back; rather than begin the annoying hide
and seek game of ‘pay me back…No!’, she sacrificed her pride to ask for a grant.
Does it mean there are no unforeseen
circumstances in which one is unable to pay back?
No. But what this is saying is that
rather than wait for the Creditor to ask you for the loan, before agreed
timelines, make sure you notify them of your inability to meet up with payment
as agreed. More importantly, if you have no intention of paying back, do not
couch the request as a loan. Simply ask for it.
Above all … if you really do not NEED
the object of the loan; if it is something you could save for or do without,
you honestly shouldn't take it.
Save your integrity metre for the
rainy day.
Paz,
Meg.
There is a reason I never write about the mushy stuff; there are two reasons, actually.
The first is that I
do not consider me ‘expert’ enough on all things love…and how to meander its
murky waters.
Love is a weird
thing. There are said ‘experts’; I don’t believe them. No one can be an expert
in ‘love’. Sex maybe. Even in playing games.
But not love.
My ‘love’ is not
your ‘love’. I am the one wearing my shoe. No matter how similar your shoe is
to mine, it is not my shoe.
(I have a point.
Stay with me)
The second reason is
that I see personal relationships for what they are: Personal. So while I might
envy Taylor Swift’s dexterity in making Billboard hits out of failed
relationships, it is not exactly my cup of coffee.
The End.
(Or as Igbos would
say… “Ho-ha”)
*****
Love is hard. But
dating - in this era - is harder. Things are no more as clear-cut as they used
to be. You can never really be sure if you are in a relationship with the other
party (or just yourself), until you are actually sure.
Gender equality is
awesome. Although, with it (sometimes) comes the confusion of who makes what move
first, as against the traditional roles of the male being the “hunter”, and the
female being the… errr ... “hunted”.
(??)
The rise of social
media has also contributed its own strains. Unfaithfulness is now more
difficult to avoid than before. What with all the ‘hot bods’ all over Instagram,
and the endless unwarranted “Hi!”s in one’s inbox.
Not forgetting the
unnecessary games; asserting power, and playing peekaboo with each other’s
emotions.
(I taya)
And in the midst of
all these, there is this phenomenon which I had always (subconsciously) known
existed, but never knew it was an actual ‘thing’, with a name.
Until the “aha!”
moment when I stumbled across its definition on the internet:
Ghosting.
According to Psychology Today ‘Ghosting’ is “having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a text”.
(Apparently, enough
people have been traumatized by “Ghosting” that it has made its way into
mainstream psychology and counseling).
It is not as though “Ghosting”
has not always existed, in some form or the other. The problem with this
generation is that even when 'ghosted' and hurting, you are expected to “be cool”
about it, and not be a cry baby.
From all I have read (and have experienced or inflicted), I have come to identify three
types of Ghosts in relationships:
1) The early bird ‘Ghost’:
This ‘Ghost’
probably had just a drink or two with you; loosely chatted with you for like
a week, and then dropped off the face of the earth.
What you feel is
irritation. Then slight worry. Then non-chalance. After all, you had not gone
so far in whatever it was you both ‘had’.
You shake this off with a shrug of
shoulders.
2) The “We were doing good”
‘Ghost’:
You and your ‘Ghost’
had such awesome chemistry … or so you thought.
Finishing each
other’s sentences. Laughing at each other’s jokes. You were not exactly yet
picking out the colour of the dress, or the tux. But you could feel it in your
bones that you might be headed somewhere. Worst case scenario, you’d metamorphose
into and be in each other’s lives forever as very good buddies.
When your ‘Ghost’
suddenly takes off without a word, this is far more devastating than the case
above. What you both ‘had’ has moved beyond just the physical to the emotional.
3) The “kuku kill me! ‘Ghost’:
This ‘Ghost’ is from
the pit of Hell.
Period.
Listen: your ‘Ghost’ was (most
likely) dining with the devil and its demons, before finding its way to you.
These are the ones who have led/received a delegation to/at your home, to make
their intentions known to your parents. They have told all their friends and
yours how you are theirs, and nothing could ever separate the both of you. The
date is fixed; the cards are out. The wine is tasted (no pun intended).
Which is why it is one too easy for one to cross the thin thread from sanity to full-blown psychosis
when this ‘Ghost’ ghosts.
Without a word. For
no reason. Nothing.
In all three
instances, it is not the actual ending of the dalliance that irritates,
disorganizes or shatters one. It is the lack of an “end” per se.
No “the talk”. No silly excuses with which
the heartbroken could console themselves. No “it is me, not you”, to which you
could respond “Thunder faya you!!”,
and then make a dramatic swirl out of the excuse…to massage your ego that “I
was the one who ended the relationship”.
Nothing. Just
silence. Leaving the broken-hearted with the worst imaginable thoughts of what they did wrong.
'Ghosting' is not limited to just romantic or filial connections. It could be a really good friend material (even of a gender you are not interested in), and when they pull out quite suddenly... it is like a hard punch in the stomach.
(Breathe)
One may find
consolation in telling one's self that perhaps, they did nothing wrong. And the other
person is just a douche-bag, who deserves not one more drop of their eye-ducts.
Or you may come to
terms with all the “crazy” you pulled…thinking it was endearing, and now
understanding that your ghost couldn’t handle it all.
Or you may come up
with absolutely nothing.
Do not try to go into your 'Ghost's head; to rationalize their actions. Humans are humans.
Do not try to go into your 'Ghost's head; to rationalize their actions. Humans are humans.
It does not matter.
That’s in the past.
It is not in your head. Ghosting is real. You were ghosted. Come to terms with it.
It is not in your head. Ghosting is real. You were ghosted. Come to terms with it.
And live.
*****
I really hate
sharing on these emotional matters. When I could be protesting this
Government’s discriminatory concession of N197 to $, for ‘pilgrims’. Whereas the
current (official) foreign exchange rate is $1 to N321. (And Nigeria is
supposed to be a secular state)
Dear Nigerian
Government…who will bear this shortfall??
(I am tired. I may
just relocate to Togo)
Yours tiredly,
Meg.
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