Meet My Busy Mind.: July 2017

Trusting Your Struggle

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

In 2016, Ted happened to me.

Prior to then, I had heard about “Ted” in passing, and stumbled upon one video or the other. But I never gave any particular attention to Ted, or Ted videos.

Not until I was invited to speak at a Ted event.

The phenomenon of Ted was not necessarily about my talk, or that particular event; Ted happened to me in the days leading to my talk.

***

In preparing for TedX Port-Harcourt, I had to watch prior other (various) Ted videos, given by people from all over the world. I wanted to gain general insight into the format of Ted talks, and learn a thing or two about delivery of speeches, from other “Tedders”.

But I was like Alice, dropped smack in the middle of Wonderland market-square.

It was overwhelming and at once all at once, watching and hearing various stories experiences, and the different ways people drew strength. I found myself staying up later than I should, glued to my phone or tablet, watching Ted video after video, even the ones I had probably watched a million times.

I laughed at some of the talks, and cried at some.

Monica Lewinsky made me cry with her talk on cyber-bullying, and I learnt that the person who is deemed a general laughing-stock is also a real being, with their own side of the ‘funny’ story.

Chimamanda’s "the Danger of a single narrative" was my virtual coach on delivery. I can almost re-narrate that speech, of the top of my head.

But the Ted talk which has resonated with me the most - and to which I will probably always be stuck on - remains Zain Asher’s delivery of “Trust your Struggle”.

Zain never really defines the concept of trusting your struggle (per se) in her talk, but from her personal story shared, she made me realise that I was not alone (or crazy) in finding myself smack in the middle of a confusing crisis, yet not letting my spirit be broken by my instant reality, and holdig on to blind faith of a future I had little basis to hope for.

In my own case, at the time, I was not even sure what represented my struggle: there were too many demons fighting for attention at the same time. I kept coming right back to Zain’s video, until I could pin-point deciding which trouble was worth the trouble.

Since then, I have come to learn, that trusting your struggle means having faith that whatever disturbing situation is going on with you at the moment will end in good, and persevering through the present storm, while working towards your desired future. Your faith in mind, your hard-work in hand.

Broken down in Nigerian English, trusting your struggle = know sey e go better last last; no slack.

Trusting your struggle recognizes that the vicissitudes of life may batter you from left to right, like a ping-pong ball. The struggle may entail disappointments and unexpected shocks, capable of making you question your theory of who you are, and in extreme instances, your very existence on earth.

But trusting your struggle also means you understand that there is a wider picture, and refuse to be boxed or drowned by the present waves. This therefore entails that you reach in within, right in the middle of the storm, discover what future it is you believe in for yourself, and continue to press on, with the picture of that future placed in front of you. Way ahead of the present confusion.

Sheer grit. Determination. Looking beyond the present. A positive belief of the possibilities the future holds.

Those are components required to trust your struggle.

Know that if the present does not fit into your vision of the future, trusting means you will not waver on your gaze into the future that your faith has shown you. If the present is less than what your struggle is about, the present is not good enough to settle in/for.

Sometimes, everything going on around may be too loud, for crystal clarity on progress. It may seem like the present has fixed immovable microphones in the ears of your mind, and like a broken record, keeps reminding you of the insurmountable hurdles all around.

(As if your village witches have made your head their palm-wine joint)

Trust the still voice inside telling you that are more, and can be more.

Do not relent.

Be resilient. Build a support structure if you need to. Go the extra mile, if you have to. Whatever it is, keep going, until you achieve what your struggle represents.

Everything else may lie. But your struggle will not. Trust it; your struggle.

And if you forget anything else, remember that in the end, it will be ok.

If it is not ok… it is not The End.

Paz,

Meg.

Photo Credit: www.cnn.com

2 Comments

Career

The flip side of Sexual Harassment: Escaping cries of 'Wolf'

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Give or take, the narrative we are used to is the one in which the superior is the person who sexually harasses the subordinate.

(Remember me and Uncle Lecturer?)

The person in authority is the predator; the subordinate is the ‘unwilling’ prey. We whisper in corridors, about how “the secretary was not really fired because his tea lacks ‘twang’… but because he refused to give in to Madam’s ‘needs’”.

This would presuppose however, that there are never cases in which the subordinate is the predator, or no instances where the claims of ‘harassment’ by the subordinate are purely contrived cries of ‘wolf’.

Right??

Wrong.

***

You see… the average adult spends the bulk of their (working) day at work. Or at school. Naturally, bonds will be formed. Friendships would be developed.

True, familiarity may breed contempt. But first, it breeds fondness. A LOT of fondness.

In the case of a boss and a subordinate, such fondness may be reciprocal, which each party being consenting parties in an adult relationship. In some instances, it is unilateral, with one person unaware or uninterested. It could even be an unrequited crush, which has never been genuinely acknowledged.

Or maybe a flame come to an end, with the superior walking away.

In any of these instances, the superior may be subject to harassment by the subordinate, failure to cave in which may result to ‘blackmail’, via false claims of Sexual Harassment. Where an actual relationship existed between them both, it could even be claimed by the subordinate that it was fueled by fear or coercion.

I see you rolling eyes and hissing “not my portion. After all… this is Nigeria. Who dey go Court?”

But things are fast changing. The populace is becoming more litigious, even as we get better informed daily. The National Industrial Courts – primarily responsible for Employment related disputes - have adopted principles of international best practices.

And then, there is trial by social media, resulting in an automatic “death sentence” in the (unhappy) event of ‘compromising photos’ being leaked.

There is the sheer strain one’s better half, where the superior is in a committed relationship. And the reputational harm of being the poster-Adult for “don’t crap where you eat” during office meetings. So that whenever you pass colleagues discussing in bunches, you can almost ‘hear’ them pause and look at you with side-eyes like:

This is because society (rightly) expects that as a person in a position of superiority, you are better equipped to handle inter-personal relations between you and your junior. Naturally, if things get out of hand one way or the other, the primary instinct is that you take responsibility for it.

Would you not rather save yourself the trauma of being on the receiving end of a false Sexual Harassment claim? There are things you can do to prevent this:

1) When working with subordinates, Shine Your Eyes. And Ears.

Be conscious. Be careful. Be deliberate.

Understand that people are at work for various reasons. You are there to eke a living; someone else may be there as an agent of seduction.

Like ‘Dr. Mark Sloan’ from Grey’s Anatomy

Image result for mark sloan greys anatomy

(Focus!)

Your attitude at work to and with subordinates should be one of (deliberately) cordial formality. Thus, while you display respect for their person, it should be clearly communicated without equivocation, that relations between you both is formal, and borne out of work.

It is alright to share the occasional joke. But it should be a work joke. And the accompanying laughter should not linger unnecessarily.

You could actually emphasise a point without touching. A handshake IS a handshake. Not an elbow squeeze. Or a back-rub. Or a friendly cheek-tap.

Remember, that the shoulder pad in blazer is not for your subordinate’s tears. Except you both have mutually crossed the rubicon of “blazing passion”, you are not their shoulder to lean on. That is what siblings/boyfriends/girlfriends/parents/nannies are for.

You are The Boss.

By all means, be a kind human… with a cup of tea, and their tears running into the handkerchief/serviettes you provide from across the table. And when the need for ‘consolation’ becomes one too frequent, recommend involving a better-equipped colleage (maybe the Welfare Department), or (in extreme circumstances), a professional Counselor.

You are not the Shrink. You are The Boss.

2. DO NOT FLASH LIGHTS, IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED

(There is a reason I used caps lock all through for this heading: I am e-Shouting)

Do not send mixed signals. Do not toy with their emotions, for the fun of it. Or simply because in their present mind’s eye, you are ‘god’, with infinitesimal wells of wisdom.

Do not test to see “how far this can go”, for the sake of it.

Do not ‘flex’ your captivating power over them, just for the fun of watching them swoon over you; with your depth of “wisdom” and sheer awesomeness.

Do not use innuendos, and puns, and allusions. Do not use any figure of speech covertly pointing to intimacy.

Do not flirt.

I repeat, Do Not Flirt.

Except you are genuinely interested in developing a relationship with the junior, do not engage in flirtatious behavior with them.

3. Make it official

Let’s presume that since the two weeks you both set eyes on each other, both of you have discovered that the one is the other’s missing rib. Carefully hand-crafted at the Garden of Eden. (Or any other garden)

You are genuinely in love.

(Rolls eye)

Rules exist for many reasons… other than to be broken (of course). In this case, if there is a policy in the Organisation on reporting relations between subordinates and superiors, it is important that before you swing into the relationship, you both should go to Human Resources. And formally document the relationship.

The rule is for YOUR protection, as a superior. This way, any future claims of coercion may be easier rebutted. Even where the Rule does not exist, report to Human Resource anyway. Make it formal.

Expectedly, there would be short-term inconveniences. Such as having people “all up in your business”. And probably requiring one of you being moved to another unit or department, so you no longer work directly together, and the work could suffer. One of you might even be required to leave the organization.

But the long-term alternative inconvenience of defending a future Sexual Harassment suit makes the short-term inconveniences worth the trouble.

And if the relationship is one that Human Resources cannot be formally notified of, such as where (for example) one person is already married…

(Ah … next please!!)

4. Leave trail

Letters. Documents. Text messages. Emails. Voicemails.

Leave trail showing that whatever relations between you both was borne out of and thrived on voluntary and mutual interests.

Where the ‘fire’ is unilaterally stoked by the subordinate, leave enough trail to show your consistent and unwavering rejection of their advances.

Do not let your story be told for you.

5. Be the ‘Adult’

Remember when you enjoyed the ‘swag’ of being The Boss, and having all the juniors gawk in open-eyed open-mouthed wonderment at the glorious baskets of intelligence pouring like fountains from your lips at office meetings?

Well… that ‘swag’ comes with responsibility.

Irrespective of the particular circumstance, you would be expected as the superior, to know and act better. Whether it is in turning-down uninvited advances, or breaking-off an erstwhile consensual relationship with a subordinate. You are expected to display the utmost maturity and fairness to the subordinate.

In the case of altogether uninvited advances from a subordinate, you could be firm yet polite in rejecting the advances.

Categorically state your refusal from the earliest point, where the proposition is made or implied, and keep notes from that point onwards. If possible, speak to an equally matured confidante, who is kept updated on the circumstances. It is your responsibility however to ensure your confidante is not a tattle-tale, who disseminates the information, thereby bringing ridicule to the junior, or that same confidante does not utilise the information to seek to take advantage of the junior.

Avoid being rude, or unkind, or condescending.

In the case of an erstwhile relationship, the lines between personal and official relations have already been blurred such that the subordinate may not handle ‘going back’ to strictly formal relations well. You are the senior, so it befalls you to apply the utmost sensitivity and wisdom in easing you both into strictly formal relations. If it would help, take a leave of absence after the break-up, to enable some time for you both to ease back into formal relations. If one person has to change department or unit, that may have to be you.

Know that you both are bound to run into each other eventually; do not avoid them, or be rude, or ignore them. Depending on the cause of the break-up, a casual wave or ‘Good-morning’ may suffice. Whatever you do, bear in mind that society (which eventually, may culminate in the Court) would x-ray your actions through the lens of your being in a position of authority. Thus, you must be seen to (and should in fact) treat the subordinate in all fairness.

If, despite your best efforts, they persist in their advances for fresh, rekindled or continued relations, whether or not threatening false Sexual Harassment lawsuits, it would be pertinent to notify Human Resources or Legal - as the case may be.

(In Nigerian-English, this is where we say “Kasala don burst. Gbege don shele”)

6. Speak to your Lawyer

If at this point, you’re wondering whether to speak to a Lawyer, you NEED to speak to a Lawyer.

If you do not already have one, get a Lawyer. The Lawyer will enable you understand the legal implications of your actions, so that you will be properly guided on future interactions.

If you have not informed Human Resources already, you would have to do same as soon as possible. Whatever liability you incur would affect the Organisation. After all, you are its representative, and acted in your capacity as a person in authority.

(You see why the rule in #3 above is for your protection?)

If in a committed relationship, you may need to bite the bullet, and let your partner in on the imminent false claims at this point. If it is the fall-out of an erstwhile relationship… all the more reason to bite this bullet.

After all, you are already between the Deep Blue Sea and the Deep Blue Sea. Better your partner hears the story from you, than from anyone else.

***

(In Madonna’s voice) Have I said too much?

Ok. Bye.

Meg.

P.s.: You’re welcome.

Photo-Credits:

www.salon.com

www.guff.com

www.pinterest.com

4 Comments

Life

Of late bloomers and the magic of Viola Davis

Tuesday, July 04, 2017

Do you remember primary school, and how people got double promotions, like “jazz”?

I mean… one day, you were sitting next to each other in English class. Exchanging heart-littered scraps of paper.

Next day, they were rolling with the big girls and boys.

They - the ones who scored 101% in all the exams – would be handpicked by the school authorities, and either given double promotions at the end of the session, to two classes ahead, or they could simply be promoted smack in the middle of a school term. They were the gifted ones. The geniuses.

Lord help you if your parents were familiar with any of the gifted ones.

“Tina… how come I don’t see Jumoke in your class again”

“Mummy… she got double promotion, and was moved to Primary 6”

“And you are here, busy watching Voltron. C’mmon get up from there and start reading your Geography!!!”

(As if it was Voltron who forgot to put ‘genius’ in my head.)

Tsk. Tsk.

If you had thought the segregation between geniuses and ‘iti boribo’ (ask your Igbo friends to help you) would end with Common Entrance exams, you thought totally wrong. Shebi in primary school, the ‘geniuses’ were usually a handful… one or two gifted children.

The segregation in Secondary School was on a whole different level, made evident upon the release of the Junior WASSCE results.

In my school (for example) the outgoing JSS3 students would all be summoned to the Assembly Hall. If you heard your name called, this means you made the requisite Distinctions and Credits to be in “Science Class” in the incoming session, and you would move to the right.

Except you did not want to study sciences in senior secondary school, and clearly indicated so.

If you did not hear your name called, well… you were a statistic, to naturally maintain your “Arts Class” status.

Thus, Science students to the rights, Arts students to the left.

(Like that story in the Bible of the goats and the sheep)

For those of us who were well aware that our home was with the Arts, we remained undaunted, and warmly welcomed into the fold the “Science students” who dropped out from time to time, due to the pressures of Further Mathematics and “Phy-Chem-Bi”.

Some stayed back, and did really well in the sciences. Others who stayed on for the (misplaced) ego of being a Science student, flopped their way through school. Some of the ones who joined the Arts excelled there as well. And every once in a (generator-powered) blue moon, one or two left the Arts to join the Sciences.

The ones who never ceased to amaze me however were those students no one paid any particular attention to and had hitherto, never exhibited any extra-ordinary intelligence pers se, who towards the end of school. Then, they begin making waves almost at the end of school, scoring all A’s in exams, and clear the Senior WASSCE exams in distinctions.

At one sitting.

I mean, these ones got no double promotions. They were not particularly identified as “geniuses”, or “intelligent”, or “gifted”. They may or may not have been handpicked specially to join the Science gang, and probably were not winning any prizes on prize-giving days. It is as though they wait till the end of secondary school approaches, before they come right out of the blues, begin acing all the exams and quite suddenly, take all the A’s.

Did you know any of those ones? Well… I did. And there’s a name for them:

Late Bloomers.

According to Wikipedia, these are people “whose talents or capabilities are not visible to others until later than usual”. These ones have been written off as ‘ordinary’, or were perhaps, hitherto too insignificant to be written about at all. They appear from (basically) nowhere, and surpass their contemporaries in their chosen field of creativity, talent, skill or knowledge.

Their story is almost always Cinderella-esque:. One day, ordinary. Next day, royalty.

Except that in their case, their status is not gifted by a fairy god-mother. It is birthed from talents and capabilities which they probably never harnessed earlier, or just were not fortunate enough for the said talents to be recognized by the larger community.

In modern times, no one quite portrays - in living flesh and blood - the wonder of the Late Bloomer phenomenon like Viola Davis.

Granted, Viola has been around for a while. Since the 1990s actually.

But for an industry where your ‘prime’ is considered somewhere between 18 and 25, and your career could be dead already if you had not landed a prominent role by your early twenties, cameo television appearances just may become your mainstay forever. Thus, beginning a career in entertainment at 28 years old could be considered pretty late.

Throw in that she’s a woman. And a minority (black). And the fact that she did not launch squarely into popular-demand movies.

She began with acting on stage, and kept playing not-so-prominent television roles for a while.

It was not until 2008, when she starred in the drama Doubt, alongside veterans like Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman, that she really caught our attention. Since then, she has played amazing roles, like Aibileen Clark in “the Help”, Rose Maxson in ”Fences”, and the star of Shonda Rhimes’ “How to get away with murder”, Annalise Keating.

Within the past ten years, Viola has earned numerous accolades and awards, including scoring the triple whammy of Hollywood, comprising of an Oscar, an Emmy, and a Tony award. All of these awards, she won for movies she acted well on her way to her fifties.

Beyond the accolades, Viola Davis is a FINE actor. She transcends portrayal of the roles she is given, and basically transports her audience to the reality that persona is faced with.

Viola Davis is an amazing professional. Late bloomer… and all.

Moral: This is not saying rest on your oars, and wait till you’ve begun using hearing aid and a walking stick, before harnessing your talents and chasing your dreams.

This is saying that perhaps, you were not fortunate enough to discover your given talents early enough, or to be given the opportunity to maximize the said talents early enough.

This is saying that perhaps, in your chosen field or specialty, there are already “geniuses”, who have been handpicked as the ones most likely to be successful, while you occupy your role as an unnamed statistic.

Do not be dismayed. Do not be daunted. There is never a time that is ‘too late’ to launch into your dreams.

Keep polishing your talents and honing your skills, so that in that moment when the limelight is suddenly before you, you can boldly step in, and sparkle your way to the top.

Remember that not everybody is a Dakota Fanning or a Leonardo DiCaprio or a Kirsten Dunst. Sometimes, we are Violas.

If there is only one lesson however I have learnt from Viola Davis and Late Bloomers, it is that they never stopped trying. Or else, they never would have bloomed.

Eventually.

Meg.

Photo-Credits: Viola Davis

9 Comments

Trusting Your Struggle

The flip side of Sexual Harassment: Escaping cries of 'Wolf'

Of late bloomers and the magic of Viola Davis

MEG CHINELO EGBUNONU

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