Meet My Busy Mind.: May 2018

Memoirs of an accidental blogger: When your hobby becomes a job

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Last week, I was very close to shutting down my blog.

Yes. This one.

You see... I started writing in 2013.

Scratch that; I started writing when I was 12. Writing had always been an outlet, especially in my adolescent years, as a highly introverted teenager.

But I started writing on this blog in 2013, as a hobby; purely as an avenue for relaxation.

For a while, I did not take the blog serious. I would only pop in once in an electric blue-moon, and leave my two-cents on whatever issue was scratching my throat at the time.

Something beautiful happened along the way. As I wrote more, I found my voice.

I could (literally) take up any issue – real or hypothetical – dissect it, and create a life lesson with it.

I found my voice, and people listened.

You listen.

Then TEDx Port-Harcourt happened. #theConversation happened.

I got exposure; positive exposure. I got offers for sponsored posts. And also, lots of goodwill.

I would be stopped randomly and get hugs from total strangers, that I was that “Busy Mind person”. I woke up one day and had climbed into the niche of "blogger".

Lol.

Esther Adeniyi knew what she meant when she opined that even if you did not make as much cash as you would love to immediately from blogging, the fringe benefits are far more valuable. It is a spring-board to show the world your skills-set.

And I experience(d) this firsthand.

But everything good comes at a price, you know.

(Except salvation) 😉

I could no longer totally enjoy the luxury of being laid-back about the blog. It was no longer a 'casual' affair.

My posts had to become more 'peng'. Social Media sites handles had to be opened, for better interaction with members of the public.

Posts had to go through more scrutiny. Consideration would be given to potential Intellectual Property issues in using images, and I would painstakingly scrutinize posts by guest authors to ensure plagiarism was not at play.

The buck fell on my table.

There was also the issue of whose sensibilities would be offended by any content, often requiring balancing free speech against diplomacy. Then, supervising the creation of graphics being used for social media awareness, and approving introductory messages by handlers.

All the while, working full-time as a Business Lawyer.

In the midst of all this, I encountered serious life events.

I moved between continents, literally from one end of the earth to the other.

I had a MOUNTAIN of qualifying exams to write, while grappling with social issues ranging from missing the sting of peppered Abacha on my taste- buds, to rising above racial prejudices, starting a new position, and searching for post-exam opportunities.

Jeez! I was literally working ALL the time. Even while sleeping, I was dreaming of work.

My brain was like a computer on constant ‘awake’ mode. On a scale of 100, my stress level was probably a 120.

And my hobby was no longer an avenue for relaxation. It had become a full scale responsibility of its own.

I got burnt out.

So that’s the story of how I came that close to shutting it all down.

Often, folks say when your hobby becomes a job, get a new hobby.

(Huh?)

The problem with this school of thought is that this would leave you with two jobs... plus the need for a new hobby.

(Sigh)

But in my case, I love my first job: being a lawyer. The practice of law is the thing that comes easiest to me. I may be playful with a lot of things, but I sure do not joke with my practice.

And I make a darn fine lawyer (wink!)

Law is all the job that I need, for personal fulfillment and pecuniary purposes. It is my EVERYDAY. And it is quite more than a handful of its own.

A hobby on the other hand, is that thing that you love, even if you do not get paid for it. But it is a leisurely activity. And that is what creative writing is for me.

To weave stories out of life’s daily dishes, and smile at the thought of the smiles on the readers’ faces.

And make the world a better place. One blog-post at a time.

There is the other school of thought that when your hobby begins to feel more like a job, you can take some time away, to cool off.

I think I favour this other school of thought. I mean, what is the point of ‘having fun’, if the fun stresses you fa?

You should rediscover your hobby as YOUR hobby. Why you fell in love with it. Away from the paraphernalia and responsibility that it has acquired.

In my own case, I realised I miss writing, for writing sake.

Writing for ‘therapy’. Writing to breathe. Writing to vent. Writing to relax... without the expectations of an “intellectual blogger".

So I am taking my own advice, and taking a break. Taking a step back to breathe. Stepping away from the ‘razzmatazz’, while focusing on other life issues.

I am stepping away, to find my ‘zen’, and shake off the job-like responsibility that my love for writing has now acquired.

Maybe travel a little bit while I'm at it, and tell you absolutely nothing about my adventures. 😜

(Or maybe I will)

Over the next few weeks, I will be armed with only my physical writing pad and my pen, writing without a ‘moral of the story’ angle. Writing in places no one else will see.

(Or maybe, y’all will see it eventually) 😊

But for now, (as we say in Nigerian street-lingo), I cannot come and go, and kill myself... and be dead. 😏

Edakun.

I know you will miss me... I will miss you too. But it will be just a minute, and I'll be back.

Until then, be good. Stay safe. Don't fight. Believe in the best. Believe in yourself. Be kind. Do good.

Binge on all the prior posts on the blog.

And eat your vegetables. I'll be watching you.

Love, 😘

Meg.

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Photo-credits:

1. rawpixel on www.unsplash.com

2. Darius Sankowskion www.unsplash.com

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Child Rights

Celebrating Leah

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

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Career

Employee Lessons 101: Five top tips to NOT getting your buttons pressed

Wednesday, May 09, 2018

If you are Nigerian, or you are connected to the Nigerian internetsphere, or you even eat Nigerian Jollof rice (*wink), you'll have to concede that the recently concluded Big Brother Naija (BBN) 2018 reality television show is probably one of the most talked about events, on a pan-African scale, in recent history.

Second (perhaps) to only the Presidential Elections in arousing national interest, BBN 2018 recorded a total of 170 million votes Africa-wide, with 30 million votes amassed in the last week alone.

(Are you thinking what I am thinking... per the 2019 Presidential elections??)

Even we 'nerds' who only binge on Shark Tank and would ordinarily not be interested in BBN-esque reality shows, had our interest piqued in what turned out to be an emotional three-month roller coaster, culminating in frenzied voting for the favourite housemate to win the N45million prize.

The most of the publicity generated had to do with Cee-C, who was popular for her verbal ‘onslaughts’, and truly lived up to the theme of "Double Wahala". (i.e. Double Trouble)

Perhaps, second only to the present POTUS Donald Trump (Junior), she has garnered equal number in extremely derisive critics and loving followers, with the one group terming her as the bitter villain of the show, and the other commending what they viewed as her strength of personality, in the face of covert aggravation.

Without delving into the substance of whether or not there was sufficient justification for her last two-hour tirade in which she lavishly decorated a fellow housemate with expletives, she admitted (in not so many words) upon coming out of the house that she could have handled the situation better in airing some of her grievances.

While BBN is a made-for-tv reality show, the truth however is this year's show depicted on a minor scale the reality of our struggles as humans, in allowing our emotions take over our actions, leading to overreacting to certain situations (even where one feels justified) thereby throwing away the baby, the bathwater and the bucket altogether.

(Wow. That was a mouthful)

This can particularly backfire in professional settings, such as in the work environment, where your overreaction to deemed provocation could impact negatively on your appraisal, or altogether cost you your job.

(If you have acted out in the "heat of annoyance" before, and learnt your lesson the hard way... gather here, let's take a selfie)

There is also the additional (albeit not necessarily true) stigma of being labelled as "combative", "aggressive", or a person with "anger-issues", which is often not used in the most complimentary ways.

So here are my top 5 tips to mastering your emotions, not getting your "scream" buttons activated, and effectively dealing with perceived provocation (without overreacting and letting your emotions flip the tables on you):

1. Practice the Pause: I learnt this from a quote I found some years back. This requires that you suspend all action. In the heat of the moment, do absolutely nothing.

This is because your hormones are raging, and while they may lead you to interprete your actions as perfectly normal, those hormones are one hell of a Judas in that moment.

I remember during what I still consider as my 'rookie' lawyer years, having a misunderstanding with a supervisor, and 'explaining' to them in a series of text messages my view on the issue. I couldn't understand why they were miffed at my 'explanations'.

It was with horror the next day, that I re-read the "explanations" I had sent the day before, and realised that the messages were as rude as rude comes.

Of course, I apologised profusely. Let's just say my penance entailed two years of watching my peers and juniors climb up the ladder, while I perched on that same position. (No retreat. No surrender. No acceleration)

The Pause may be from as short as five minutes to as long as 48 hours before reacting to the initial action. It may also require you taking a short stroll from the immediate situation.

Whatever it takes to calm you the heck down, and put your emotions under check before responding (considering professional turn-around timelines) is how long you need to pause for.

Breathe.

2. Write it down: Even though you are advised to practice the pause, your emotions still require an outlet. So that you don't bottle up all that frustration, and erupt like the Island of Hawaii one day.

So get a book, and a pen. Write it all down. The initial aggression (or series of aggression), how it affects you negatively, and what can be done to remedy the situation.

This achieves three things:

i. It helps to calm you down: When you begin writing, you may see your hand shaking. But as you write on, the motion of writing steadies your hands, and consequently helps to calm down your emotions.

ii. It gives you an avenue to vent: You could actually write down your grievance as you feel you would have wanted to pour it out, without incurring the undesirable effect of a full-blown brawl.

iii. It helps you to put things in perspective: As you read through what you have written, you can see the points which are not justified, while also helping to articulate your thoughts and reasonably marshall your valid points.

And if after you are done, you are calm enough to realise it all doesn't matter, you can easily rip the paper to pieces and put it in the trashcan.

Do not send what you have written to anyone. I repeat: Do. Not. Send. It.

Write it out with a traditional paper and pen, for yourself.

Vent it all out. On paper.

3. Take off your shoes: Don’t take this too literally.

As you write down your grievances, try to see the misunderstanding through the eyes of the other party. Write down the points they have raised, and the issues that have been joined.

Play the "Devil's Advocate" in seeing how they may be justified. You do not have to agree with it; just try to find how one could rationally defend their adopted positions.

Reason. Rationalise. Repeat.

Even if you have counter-arguments to possibly rational explanations for their adopted positions, at the very least, you can see their own world-view of the situation, which will help you in better articulating your own points, and buffering your position.

Take off your shoes for a moment or two. Take off your hat. Wear theirs.

4. Engage. And smile: It is a great irony that the same emotions which bless us with the warm, fuzzy feelings of being in love can equally relegate our best thought process to the recesses of our consciousness.

Which is why in the heat of annoyance, we are inherently averse to listening to the other person. Our emotions interpretes what our ears hear, and sends "scream" signals to our anger buttons.

Having observed steps 1 - 3 above, and observed enough time for the other party to also calm down, you may subsequently seek to initiate calm discussions (preferably had sitting down), where both or all sides may exchange views on the point(s) of aggression, with a view to resolving the issues raised.

The aim should be to listen. Take down notes, if need be. Also, the thoughts articulated under 2 above will help to communicate your position on the (issues).

Even as the discussion is underway, make a conscious effort to smile. This helps communicate to the other party that the meeting is not a combative one, and sends "happy" signals to your brain, helping you to further stay calm.

If in the course of discussions, tempers begin to rise, practice the tips afresh from 1 above, and take a stroll if necessarily, without coming off as walking out on the other party rudely.

The aim should not be to 'win'. It should be to resolve the grievances.

Come ready to make compromises, if necessary.

5. Pick your battles: The foregoing tips are for unavoidable instances where you must react to situations in which you perceive you have been aggravated.

Beyond all these, you can ultimately choose which actions are worthy of reactions.

It is a holistic process, taking into cognizance the cost of such reaction; whether the short-term gratification of "speaking my mind!" far outweighs the long-term effect of diverting your energy into far productive causes, the possibly negative image which the reaction will cause you, and whether your reaction will actually result in a preferred solution.

Conduct a Cost-Benefit analysis.

If upon consideration of all the foregoing, it is obvious that the particular situation is one in which reacting would result in no tangible benefits to you, it may be more prudent in the circumstances and beneficial for you to choose the path of rising above the aggression, and investing that energy in more productive ventures.

Let. It. Go.

This is no veiled call to be a 'coward' in not tackling issues. But even the bravest warriors do not send their battalion into every communal skirmish or local wrestling competition. If not, there would be no arsenal left for the day of real war.

Pick your battles. Choose wisely.

Paz,

Meg.

Post-script: Even though this post is made in the context of the work environment, it is easily applicable in other situations of human relations.

*Have you followed our blog today? Simply click on the Follow button to the right-side of the post, for your computer screen, or keeeep scrolling down on your hand-held device. And keeeeeeeep scrolling further down, to add us to your circles.

Photo-Credits (In order of Appearance)
1. Photo by kinkate from Pexels

2. www.instagram.com/ceec_official

3. Photo by nappy from Pexels

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Life

Of glasses & sour grapes: What to do with life's lemons

Wednesday, May 02, 2018

The first time I suspected there was a problem was in junior secondary school.

(Destiny’s Child was topping the charts at the time for ‘No, No, No, No, No’)

It was the awards season in school, usually organised individually by the trio of the Drama, Music and Press Club at the end of third term exams, to confer social awards on the outgoing SS3 class.

(You could call it our own Oscars. Or Headies)

It was the same songs the members of each club performed. So everyone looked out for creative steps which would take the rave till the next awards Season.

For members of performing clubs, you had access to backstage seats, and so could watch the performances from there.

The rest of the students had to hustle to get seats by coming on time, and praying your seniors did not bully the chairs away.

Along with my friends, we planned to be at the Assembly Hall very early, to get seats in front.

But you know how man proposes, and God disposes. It was as though the rest of the school slept in the Assembly Hall overnight.

(Like those folks who sleep at the fuel-stations during fuel scarcity)

By the time we got there, the hall was packed full already, and we were forced to embrace our fate in standing at the back that day.

Soon enough, the day's show began. The performances were not so clear, but I figured it was the poor lighting, and the distance from the stage that we stood.

Almost halfway through the performances, the hall suddenly erupted in frenzied applause at some move done by the students miming to Brandy and Monica’s “the Boy is Mine”.

How could they have seen it? The performers were still blurred.

My friend beside me was also clapping and shouting in frenzied excitement.

Oh well... I started clapping too. It must be good if everyone was clapping. But I could not actually see the cause of so much excitement.

For me, it was blurred out.

I remember subsequently receiving complaints from one or two people that they passed right beside me, and I did not acknowledge them wave.

I suspected that I had a mischievous, anti-people doppelganger. Because I had no recollection of seeing anyone wave.

But it was Mathematics class that made me realise the dire situation I was in. It was one of those class tests where x=y/210: find Pie.

While I was not a Maths guru, I knew enough to not be labelled an actual iti boribo.

Which was why my "odo" that day shocked me. Upon asking the teacher for my script, he showed me that I had gotten the calculation correct. However, I had just substituted the wrong figures, using '3' instead of the 8 written on the board.

Huh?

That was when I knew for sure that there was a problem.

I told Mummy as soon as I got back home, and she took me to her ophthalmologist, who conducted an eye test on me, and gave me the ugliest glasses I had ever seen in my life.

Just like that, I was initiated into Team "Four-eyes".

There were a number of reasons I did not like my glasses. First was that I could not jump up and down like others, without risking my glasses falling off, and getting smashed.

And I lost count of how many times I sat on my glasses without knowing, having to make the pitiful walk of shame to Mum for a new pair of glasses.

I also blamed a huge part of my teenage awkwardness on my glasses, believing that I may have had a huge shot being an “It girl” in my adolescence, if not for the bottles I had to don.

But the greatest reason I did not like glasses was the presumptuous burden of automatic "intelligence" that wearing glasses bestows on you.

So that when someone in the room asks a very serious question like "who can confirm the veracity that ornathological species of identical plumage appropriately congregate to the nearest proximity?”, expectant eyes in the room would naturally turn to you for your wise answer.

*rolls eyes*

As I grew older, I learnt to carry my glasses around, only putting it on in class, or when I had to study.

‘

But the practice of law does not exactly come with a user’s manual and an accompanying warning of side-effects, such that constantly being glued to the small print of countless law reports and staring into a computer for three-quarters of a day guaranteed that my eyes required glasses for the most part of the day.

Against my will, I was banished to being an unwilling nerd.

Until I stumbled on the magic of contact lenses.

I discovered that with my prescription and proper hygiene, I could comfortably wear contact lenses for the most part of the day. This was particularly helpful for workout sessions and social events.

I learnt to play around lenses colours, often alternating between grey and amethyst. I binged on contact lenses.

But this was nothing compared to when the craze for spidey-glasses and cat-eye frames took over the four-eyed world.

Finally... glasses became woke!

I got different types of frames, often changing it up with my mood.

The blue one became for presentations and high-level meetings. The black for court and the office. The flowery one was for when I felt ‘playful’. And for the weekends.

(There was also the plain pair I called "home glasses")

In between, I alternated with my contacts lenses. Life as a four-eyed human was finally dapper. 😊

Recently, I found myself facing a new kind of dilemma. I now have the opportunity for corrective surgery to erase the need for corrective lenses.

But I have become attached to the ‘nerdy’ look. I miss my glasses already, and have refused to face the looming reality that I may have to part from my seeing aid.

How did I get here?

By taking the ‘negative’ card life dealt me in short-sightedness, spicing it up, and turning it into a personal advantage.

What was hitherto defective sight is now an avenue for exploring fashion trends... and I have often found my glasses being an awesome ice-breaker in a room full of strangers.

This is how I now seek to deal with most other facets of life: taking that thing which should ordinarily represent some sort of sour-grapes, beautifying it, and rocking it through life.

There are the things we will be able to change, for which we ask the Universe for the strength and ability to change our circumstances entirely.

But for the lemons we cannot avoid life hurling at us, we could mope through life, stuck on the sourness of our circumstances.

Or... we could pick each lemon, make a massive lemon-pie, and throw a huge party.

Constantly.

Paz,

Meg.

Photo-Credits (In order of Appearance)

1. www.unsplash.com

2. www.twitter.com

3. Yours truly

4 Comments

Memoirs of an accidental blogger: When your hobby becomes a job

Celebrating Leah

Employee Lessons 101: Five top tips to NOT getting your buttons pressed

Of glasses & sour grapes: What to do with life's lemons

MEG CHINELO EGBUNONU

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