Conversations with the next generation: Let's talk about Sex.
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
I
see your horrified judjy face.
"Finally... she caved into the blogging
pressure!"
Relax!
This conversation is not about that
kind of "talk". (Your unholy
mind!) Rather, this conversation has its roots in the #MeToo and #TimesUp
movement.
We
have witnessed unprecedented revelations of sexual misconduct globally, with more
people opening up, and speaking out about past sexual harassment and/or abuses
suffered.
Indeed,
this period will forever remain etched in history as the era when the chicken finally
came home to roost.
Organisations
are setting up structures to prevent future occurrences of sexual harassment at
the workplace and in schools. And activists daily encourage more people to
stand up and call out any perpetrators, thereby setting the stage for the next
generation to not see sexual harassment and predatory behaviour as "a
normal thing".
Instead,
that "No means NO", and the mandatory necessity of mutual consent at
EVERY point, in any given dalliance.
The
#MeToo and #TimesUp movements have proven that there is no greater deterrent to
perpetrators of sexual harassment than the fact that their victims will no
longer be silenced. Thus, the culture of letting the actors walk free away free
is visibly being fought against (thankfully).
But
it is not assured that predators will suddenly be wiped out in one fell swoop,
and acts of sexual harassment will automatically cease. Even as we turn the
spotlight on the predators, it is important that we also have certain
conversations with the younger ones in our society – the next generation – so as
to equip them in fighting this evil, and ensuring it does not survive to the
generation after theirs.
Unfortunately,
in the most of these conversations, there is one vital part we do not often
talk about or fail to talk about ENOUGH, particularly in our African settings:
Sex.
A
lot of focus is placed on the acts leading up to unsavoury incidents, and the
aftermath, creating the need to speak up.
But
seldom adequate attention is given to the uncomfortable in between, in which
sex may or may not occur.
It
is as important to have these conversations around sex; to enable the next
generation understand from a very early age, that the only person with the
rights to your body is yourself.
To
spread the message that "giving-in for peace sake" does not solve the
problem, but may instead, rear other problems in its wake, along the spectrum
of which could feature STDs, unplanned pregnancies, the permanent trauma, loss
of self-esteem, etc.
That
despite (possible) threats from predators, there are no ‘consequences’ for
speaking the truth. Rather, this will ensure that more harm is avoided.
It
is important to let the next generation know that despite everything else in
the world (from Social Media to weekly shows) literally screaming that "everyone is doing it... Just Do It!", there
is nothing 'uncool' about not being ready to have sex at a given time. There is
nothing wrong with refusing to cave in to the peer pressure to have sex, even
at frat parties.
Especially
at frat parties.
Our
conversations should fundamentally equip younger people with foundational
knowledge that there is nothing wrong with them for not wanting to "get
down with it", so that they do not fall victim to reverse-psychology
antics of "it is just sex".
It
is never just “sex”. It is YOUR body, your life, your future.
And
there is no shame in a blatant NO.
There
is no requirement for a reason.
In
these conversations, it is important to teach that when one is being harassed
with unwanted sexual attention in the guise of “flowery advances”, the object
of this undesired affection should point-blankedly remove any such coatings,
call it out for the harassment it is, and in reporting any such incidents
should be unashamed to clearly articulate the harasser’s wrong actions.
No
sugar-coating like "s/he wanted us
to be closer, more than friends. I did not really want it”. Or "s/he wanted us to 'hang-out' at the hotel".
Rather,
"s/he wanted us to meet at the
hotel. I asked what for and if there was going to be sex. S/he said maybe, and
I said I was not interested”.
It
is important that we equip the next generation with the power to be direct in
conversations surrounding sex, in order to clearly establish boundaries, and
ensure that their desired boundaries are not broken.
They
should not be afraid to talk about sex, even without (necessarily) engaging in it. There should be no 'discomfort' or 'awkwardness'; just plain-cut conversations as should be.
And
if despite all these, somehow, the predator still gets their way, we should
strengthen the next generation to understand that there is no shame in being a
survivor of unwanted sex or sexual harassment/abuse.
It is important that survivors own their own narrative in
speaking out, rather than caving in to the harmful culture of being labelled a “snitch”,
and invariably enabling the proliferation of the culture by keeping silent.
This
way, we can totally to demystify the silence that comes with rape and sexual assault,
and build a tell-it-as-it-is culture, where predators realise they will be
called out, shamed, and made to face the
full wrath of justice.
Again,
what better deterrent than this could we possibly have?
Paz,
Meg.
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