With the onset of the global COVID-19 pandemic, there was a shadow pandemic which also grew and breathed side-by-side it.

 

Prior to the pandemic, women were already majorly subject to domestic violence. Data indicates that one in every three women were being abused at home. With the onset of the pandemic, it jumped to a higher and alarming rate.

 

Especially back in countries where laws protecting women from abuse are not at the greatest. In Nigeria, hardly a week passed by where a female is either missing, molested, or murdered even. In many cases, due to domestic violence (“DV”).

 

This is not to say these occurrences are new. I mean… we all kinda heard of (or even experienced) homes were fathers proudly caned mothers for “bad behaviour”.

 

Just as many of the horrible things which have turned to almost “normal” occurrences in Nigeria – similar to terrorism and kidnapping – one could say a kind of ‘numbness’ has been developed with regards to DV cases.

 

Login to Twitter, see the latest story on DV, shake head, tweet displeasure, roll on to the next appaling story.

 

Recently however, that numbness seems to have been thrown off, and nationwide outrage expressed at the death of one of the nation’s most loved gospel singers, Osinachi Nwachukwu, allegedly due to hitting by her husband.

DV, again

 

Expectedly, social media has been awash with various forms of venting, calling for the head of the alleged abuser, while decrying the victim for never leaving, even as more facts point to this having been a long-term occurence. What is a tad bit surprising this time is that even clergy who would usually ‘unlook’ in matters of this nature, while urging women to stay the typical Proverbs 31 champion have also spoken out against DV.

 

While we’re all speaking out and agitating, it is not a matter of simply expecting victims to up and leave that will prevent other similar changes. Palpable intersectional changes have to be made to overhaul the whole society, so as to strangle this culture of taking abuse. Some of these are:

 

1. Divorce Laws: Nigeria still operates a totally obsolete and archaic set of dissolution laws, out of tune with the present times. These 1970 laws inherited from the English – who have since updated theirs – only allows for fault-based dissolution of marriage, with very little (and strenuous) grounds for no-fault divorce. What this means is that a petitioner under the Matrimonial Causes Act has to prove certain things in court, before a divorce can be granted. Unfortunately, it is purely at the discretion of the judge, who has to be satisfied that indeed the marriage is irretrievably broken down, based on these strenuous indices.

 

How does a victim substantiate abuse, if it is not (yet) physical? In a society where no one wants to be termed a ‘home-breaker’, how does one get witnesses? Is it until the victim is maimed that a case of cruelty can be established?

 

There is also the flip-side in that the abuser may be the one tired of the marriage, but due to the strenuous fault-based requirements of the divorce laws, may resort to violating and assaulting the other party, to trigger their ‘desertion’, and voila! A valid claim for dissolution of marriage is birthed.

 

Unfortunately, these acts just to trigger a ground for divorce may in themselves be fatal. Which is why there is need to revise these laws, such that two adults who entered into the marriage contract consentingly, can be allowed to go separate ways without having to go through the eye of a needle, if either party is no longer invested in the (hitherto) union.

 

2. Clergy: In a society like the Nigerian one which is overly religious, it goes without saying that the clergy have a huge sway over the populace. Almost every other Sunday, congregation are regaled with reasons why they MUST stay in a union, regardless of the mental, physical or even financial unhappiness it causes to them. The holy books are applied to convince unhappy couples to “make it work no matter what”, as “God hates divorce”.

 

I will by no means go in-depth into any arguments on religious teachings on divorce, especially as I am no expert in cannon laws. The one thing I know for certain is that if you are gnostic, it would help to know whoever you worship for yourself, and not rely solely on revered, but still, human clergy.

 

I do not believe any kind supernatural being has a lifetime of absolute unhappiness as a pass-mark to make heaven. No human belongs to another human, and contrary to what has been peddled in the past, the clergy have a duty to let their members understand that divorce is indeed a valid option for physical well-being, mental health and and overall longevity.

 

Excommunication of members who have sought a divorce for their peace of mind, in this day and age, should be a practice abandoned. This is especially as there are some clergy in themselves who get divorced, yet, are neither excommunicated by their own community, or even other clergy.                 

 

3. Family: We cannot move away from the fact that our orientation as children and teenagers under our parents wings forms the basis of the rest of our adult interactions.

 

From an early age as a female child, you are basically groomed to be a lady, for a man. Religion and society reminds you at every inkling, that “the man is your covering”. You are considered ‘loose’ if you are known to date more than a few men, and reminded constantly of the virtuousness of staying with one man alone, making sure you have children by one person alone.

 

Even if that one person is the cause of sleeplessness, heartache and (perhaps) physical pain. “He is your husband. Stay with him. Make it work”.

 

As parents now, we have to do better for the next generation.

 

Teach our girls to fall in love with themselves first, and over anyone. Let our daughters know it’s ok to go on several dates if need be, to find the right person, and not necessarily ‘settle’ for the one who showed up. And that if that ‘right’ person turns out wrong, there is no shame at all, in putting an end to it and moving ahead with love and light.

 

Teach our sons that physical strength is no excuse to harm another individual. No man owns any woman, just as no woman own any man. Teach our sons to understand that they are equal to their partners, and should seek to resolve matters amicably.

 

Teach our family members that “when are you bringing a man home?” is not a valid form of greeting. Rather, it is bullying which places undue pressure on a single person, and in a lot of cases, propel them to make the wrong life choices with regards to marriage.

 

As families, we must do better.

 

4. Society: We can chant “leave to live” all we want. But if our society (and we as a people) keep disrespecting single mothers, divorcees, blended families, and general non-conventional family units, people will stay in the most hellish marriages to “make it work”, at ultimately, the cost of their lives.

 

Those ‘little’ things like snidely referring to a single mother as someone’s ‘baby-mama’, calling a divorcee “used product”, or insisting that a single lady brings a male ‘covering’ in the form of a husband or brother before providing her with required services are practices that we must consciously phase out.

 

We have to ensuree a sane society, where a person can leave a marriage (or an unhealthy situationship) and not be stigmatized.

 

5. Support structures: Beyond all of this, if we want people in abusive situations to be able to leave, we must consider that they may have nowhere to go to, or resources to build themselves up back. This is particularly dire for a culture, where women are expected to “focus on marriage” and not career, so when that marriage does go south, they are not financially empowered enough to make an informed decision.

 

There should be more domestic abuse shelters built by the government, for women and children facing domestic abuse, to have a safe haven to immediately run to. Religious houses that pride themselves on mega-buildings and having congregation in the tens of thousands could also give back to their community in having such shelters, and programs to assist victims of DV in sustenance and rehabilitation.

 

For family members who have their relations experiencing DV, you have to be prepared to inconvenience yourself to help that family member come out alive. This might be in the form of providing shelter, immediate finance, or connecting them with opportunities for career growth.

 

All I have put above is by no means exhaustive. The point being that the end to domestic violence is not a burden we leave at the foot of victims alone. We all have a part to play, including ensuring that the full wrath of the law is meted on perpetrators, so as to serve as a deterrent to others.

 

For Osinachi… I pray you find the peace in heaven that eluded you on earth. Sleep well.

 

Love.

 

Meg.

Photo-Credit: https://healthydebate.ca/2020/07/topic/innovative-solutions-ipv-pandemic