A: Ah…you opened today. Why are you looking so morose??
B: I don taya. This Public Holidays …no Customers. Everybody
is inside their house.
A: You’re lucky you did not come out early. Since morning, I’ve
had only one Customer.
C: And it will continue like this. Government has declared no
work next tomorrow too. The Moon is missing.
B: Who could have taken it?
A: Hmmm…you people remember Alice…don’t you??
C: Err...Which one?
A: Alice. The one that is not married…that opened a boutique
last year at G.R.A.
B: Ehen?
A: I gather she’s a
witch. She killed the first man that was supposed to marry her, and used the
second man’s mother’s blood to make money for her boutique.
B: Oh…ok. Did she use her witchcraft to steal the Moon?
C: What’s the connection with the missing Moon?
A: It’s not related. I just wanted to let you both know that
Alice is still not married.
B: (Hissssssss!!!)
C: But this government is very annoying. The President should
take responsibility for the missing Moon. He should just resign.
A: How? Why? Did he send mercenaries to steal it?
C: When he will not stay one place. He keeps travelling from
place to place. If he had not travelled for the naming ceremony of Kim Jong-Un‘s
niece in North Korea, the Moon would not have been stolen.
A: Keep blaming this government for everything o. When your
government and your party people almost sold the sun, after emptying the
treasury, you did not say anything. Whatever he does, our President is right. #IstandwithAjala.
C: But EFCC has not found the moon with our Party people.
Considering it is only our people who they have been investigating, maybe they
should check with your people. They might find the Moon with someone there.
Like that Uncle that they found his houses in Dubai.
***
A: Why is B quiet??
C: Maybe he knows who took the Moon.
B: I am calculating.
A: Calculating who?
B: You know I use this Moon for my night market. Now that
there is no Moon, I am calculating how many litres of fuel I will need to put
in my generator this night.
A: What if they…
C: (cuts in abruptly) Don’t even say anything about anybody
bringing any light. This your government of darkness. Yeye dey smell.
A: But it’s your people’s fault. They are blowing up the
pipelines and gas stations that deliver gas for light.
C: Goan seet dan abeg! Before, your government was blaming
Kainji Dam for being low; that the rainy season had not started. Now the rains are
pouring, you are blaming militants. That time there was zero power generation,
there was no bombing of any gas station. This ‘change’ is in reverse motion.
A: But you have to be patient. The destruction of our
resources was not done in a day. Rebuilding the resources cannot be done in a
day. We will bring all the people responsible to book.
B: Seriously, what is going
on with all these EFCC investigations? Have you heard that anyone has been
convicted. Or are the cases going to die down and disappear… like Clifford
Orji?
A: Heheheheheh!! Where is that one sef??
B: I hear he was released. He’s the secret supplier of
body-parts for all these ‘Cabals’.
C: Which Cabals? Is it the one that killed the former
President? Or the one who tried to prevent the Vice-President from becoming the
President. Abi is it the Cabals that were fighting subsidy, and have now made Petrol
expensive?
B: Maybe the Cabals stole the Moon.
A& C: Hei!!!
B: Yes. I won’t be surprised if they sell it in black market
abroad. You know dollar is high now, and it is getting more expensive every day.
A: But the CBN Governor said that the dollar is now available
for everybody, and that the price will come down.
C: Which CBN Governor?? The one that has been demoted from
class captain to time-keeper.
A: No oh. That’s the NNPC former CEO. He has now been given
the portfolio of Chairman.
B: So, he’s now in charge of only the chairs?
C: Don’t mind this travelling government of darkness, that is
very ethnocentric and discriminatory. All the top positions have been given to
persons from your President’s part of the country. Kuku employ all your people
everywhere, and ask us to stay at home and be watching Telemundo.
A: What are you saying?? During your government, was it not
your people who occupied all the positions? Besides, our government only appoints
the most qualified persons into these positions.
C: So it is only your people who went to school and are the
most qualified, ehn? Anyway, I don’t blame you. Your people have been in power since
this country was negotiated and have had the opportunity to ensure that your
region is entrenched in every government body.
B: Abeg abeg abeg abeg abeg! It’s too early foryour
arguments. I hope you both know…hold on. Hello…Uncle…ah, yes o. I don’t think
so. Really?? We too, we too. Is that true?? Ehhehhn? Na wa o. Yes, they all
fine. Yes they will hear…ehmm…I should be home by 10.30 at night. You can call back
then. Thank you. Bye bye.
B: Sorry o..it’s my Uncle in Germany.
A: Oh. How is he? Is their Moon missing as well?
C: How will their Moon miss? Is their Prime Minister
travelling like our Oga at the top here.
A: Ah. Maybe the Brexit people took the Moon away as they were
leaving.
C: They’ve not left yet now. Abeg, let me stand in front of my
own stall, before you people will steal my Customer. The same way you have
stolen our oyel.
B: I hope this Moon is found soon o. So that work will
resume, and Customers will come out.
A&C: Amen.
(The End)
Note: This work is partly fictional. Any reference
to actual persons may or may not be coincidental. Draw the line, as you please.
Meg.
 |
| Photo Credits: www.trentonline.com |
There is a story in the Holy Bible. Of women eating babies.
2 Kings Chapter 6 has it that the land was besieged. Famine abounded. Hunger
was the way of life.
Two 'resourceful' women struck up a covenant; "We eat my baby today,
we eat yours tomorrow" they planned.
(They probably reasoned they could birth more babies later. I gather that
those days, women were so fertile that they conceived when male folk sneezed)
The story has it that Baby A belonging to Woman A was eaten by both women
on the first day. On the second day, Woman B hid her Baby B.
The Contract was breached. Kasala
burst.
(Humans reneging on their word. No be today e start. *Sigh*)
The broken contract was tabled before the King.
The King wept...that things had gone this bad. People had become not just
cannibals, but heartless cannibals
(Wait...there are 'heartful' cannibals...right? I mean, it must take extra
stone in the heart to eat a micro-human)
I had always detested those two women. I could never understand what kind
of suffering someone would undergo...to contract to eat a human birthed from their
womb.
I could never forgive these women.
That is; until this weekend.
(Dear future husband, calm down. It's not what you think. I won't eat our
children)
Let me rephrase: I still don't get eating humans, but I think I am
beginning to gain understanding of the type of economic inabundance, which
would make your thoughts wander...prance into unprecedented territory. In hopes
of survival.
For the first time in my life, as an adult, I genuinely feel: THINGS ARE
TOUGH.
This hardship is not of the texture I encountered when I was jobless,
houseless, carless; I could blame my status then.
But I thought I had moved up the economic ladder. And generally felt
settled.
More recently, that 'settledness' has turned into some uneasiness, status
regardless.
(Who status epp?)
It is as though some goblin occupies the same room my bankers keep my salary
account. My used-to-be-enough income appears to suddenly shrink into inexplicable
oblivion.
It finally made sense to me on Saturday. I clearly understood that the
cost of living had actually more than doubled. (Forget deceptive economists
telling us inflation had gone up only 15%)
I almost cried leaving the market. My car trunk would ordinarily be full,
with the amount of money I went to market with. That day, the foot of the
passenger side was barely filled.
Let me not get started on the fuel hike. What would usually take you a
whole week and some days with N5,000 is now about N11,000 for a week.
Anyone who does not feel this 'suffering' should be investigated by EFCC.
They are part of the people who used our reserves to cook rice and beans, with Sir
Dasuki, et al.
(Even your Madam with her
private jet is feeling it. Just thank your God she has not sacked you..yet)
So I called the community in my head for a serious meeting, sat 'us' all
down, and had a talk with us for these hard times. I set the ground rules for navigating
these times:
-
If
you do not ABSOLUTELY need it, do NOT get it.
-
If
you must borrow to get it, you do not absolutely need it. Do not get it.
-
When
you carry your car key, stop. Look into the mirror, ask yourself: “Where are
you going???”
If that place will not generate money, will not make you
healthier, or contribute to the afterlife you look forward to, SEET DAN!
-
If
you have not bought your ticket via travel deals from over 6 months ago, you
must not travel for any summer. After all...is it not summer all year round in
your country??
- All
those downloads that swallow your internet, and makes you spend excessively per
month, ngwa...pause. If you get bored,
go back to your stack of Agatha Christie and James Patterson.
- Improvise!
Improvise!! Improvise!!! You have won the 'yoruba woman' of the year award for
cooking stew with only fresh tomatoes and ata rodo. Ok...Uncle 'Gote is hoarding
all the fresh tomatoes (they said it, not me)... tomato paste will not kill
you. Just add your ata rodo, boil it long enough, and remind yourself that you
are missus cook. The stew will taste the same.
- Still
on food, you can use your efo riro for
EVERYTHING. This government cannot harbor a pot of banging efo and a pot of stew in the same house; at the same time.
 |
My beloved efo...in whom I am
well pleased
|
- Just
keep driving past that suya joint. Your
efo is waiting for you at home. Shey you're watching your weight, ehhn??
Our brainstorming session was fruitful, long and short of which is to cut
down on unnecessary spending.
In other news, we heard the CBN finally floated the Naira. (Halleluya… ish)
My first instinct was panic: when the Naira ‘unfloated’, the cost of the dollar was so high. What would happen now??
But I've been reading a lot, most of which seem to provide some comfort
that things will ease up pretty soon.
I cannot reproduce all of the economic jargon: some things about Foreign
Exchange Professional Dealers (a.ka. the Dollar big bois); volatility of the Naira in the first few days, before ascertaining
its true value; our economy being pumped with more money...eventually.
It is well.
(You too should read up on all the grammar. Knowledge is power)
What I know is: if we could survive the scary-as-shit regime of that
dark-glasses wearing uncle that they said apple killed;
If we could survive "20 miserable pounds for all your millions";
If we could survive 1.5 cups of water to bathe and three spoons of garri
to soak as a day's meal in boarding school;
Then...
WE. SHALL. BEAT. THIS.
And we won't eat our children.
Kam dan.
Kam dan.
Meg.
![About [span]me[/span]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJSuDZzQ0AqUg3EjUWrCEcq4b2awYNZGGp_lIPcVI1apo2UyK8NEypb2pJEuBF7pk63pq5Wnyp7dJ4HdgS8y8ZODMd4ySfxTfL6vRB6i42z-tFFd1M9MbJmknYzCRkyd2__qvXMKEUghs/s1600/IMG-20170220-WA0007.jpg)
